Weather not so summery. Am lonely, but not unhappy. Am surprised this is the case. That lonely does not equal unhappy.
Picked up my hire car today: a neat Vauxhall Mokka; automatic as is my wont. Two years ago I wouldn’t have gone near such an experience; not even contemplated it as something I would do.
Now am flying to Dublin, from Madrid and Belfast; all sorts of wonderful things which have become par for the course on my golf round that is life.
‘Question is that I have proved they are incompatible with, at the same time, being with huge numbers of my family. I think I must conclude aloneness is my natural state. And I can do it, if in exchange I can start visiting places I never visited without a week’s drive before and after; if I can feel freer and not so worn out in the rest of the existence that is my life.
I saw my father driving to Morrisons today, and I remembered how I was when I tolerated his awful, bullying, passive-aggressive behaviours to me. I never want to go back there. And I never shall now.
Multiply that up to mother and brothers, and only my sisters and a few cousins are saved from the scything of my past.
It does make it possible for me to now move forwards, too.
I choose research, work and study – and my children, of course – over the vast majority of toxic family, and past and wearisome present.
And that is my final choice.