Coda[r]: {or where has ended up …} #family #bullying #passiveaggressive #lookingtothefuture #happyalone

Weather not so summery.  Am lonely, but not unhappy.  Am surprised this is the case.  That lonely does not equal unhappy.

Picked up my hire car today: a neat Vauxhall Mokka; automatic as is my wont.  Two years ago I wouldn’t have gone near such an experience; not even contemplated it as something I would do.

Now am flying to Dublin, from Madrid and Belfast; all sorts of wonderful things which have become par for the course on my golf round that is life.

‘Question is that I have proved they are incompatible with, at the same time, being with huge numbers of my family.  I think I must conclude aloneness is my natural state.  And I can do it, if in exchange I can start visiting places I never visited without a week’s drive before and after; if I can feel freer and not so worn out in the rest of the existence that is my life.

I saw my father driving to Morrisons today, and I remembered how I was when I tolerated his awful, bullying, passive-aggressive behaviours to me.  I never want to go back there.  And I never shall now.

Multiply that up to mother and brothers, and only my sisters and a few cousins are saved from the scything of my past.

It does make it possible for me to now move forwards, too.

I choose research, work and study – and my children, of course – over the vast majority of toxic family, and past and wearisome present.

And that is my final choice.


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