And in some way it occurs to me that maybe all this time –
in some very bureaucratic
awkwardness – you’ve gently been letting me
sense a cautious making of amends.
And amends out of friendship too, once
the full horror of what yous all did to me in the name of state
security became patent and manifest,
as liberties and freedoms for all
always have to be.
And so letting me slowly down as my delusions collapsed around
For I don’t mean me thinking you’re following me
when you aren’t, but rather the concept and
idea that’s become clear that you simply, rankly, un-
the kind of brain and trails of thought that
sailed so close to winds of war
without wishing either/or,
in any way,
their outcome: nailing the truth was only ever the goal;
nailing the truth as a whole and a part, and a start and an end.
And so the little by little of offsprings’ nationality
and the ease with which a driving licence repeats,
and other little details which still I cannot detail,
but maybe we must include the marks I so easily
acquired on an MA I never was prepared for,
and that’s the truth dear friends … and that’s the truth
by far …
And so all this time in administrative clumsiness
we see the desire to repair so much damage done.
And the women I fell in love with, supposedly those years,
never were more than intermediaries, measuring out
ever so carefully their servings and doings, and woes
ever so magiCK and tragic.
And as intermediaries fine they mostly did begin to explain
how life would shortly never be the same for a man
as weird as me.
All a falsehood to make me feel less bad; even so, I have to say,
it was a nice enough gesture –
better, far better, anyways, than just another
kick to the bruised and battered head!