And in some way it occurs to me …

And in some way it occurs to me that maybe all this time –

in some very bureaucratic 

awkwardness – you’ve gently been letting me

sense a cautious making of amends.

And amends out of friendship too, once

the full horror of what yous all did to me in the name of state 

security became patent and manifest,

as liberties and freedoms for all

always have to be.

And so letting me slowly down as my delusions collapsed around

me … 

For I don’t mean me thinking you’re following me 

when you aren’t, but rather the concept and 

idea that’s become clear that you simply, rankly, un-

imaginatively mis-

understood 

the kind of brain and trails of thought that

sailed so close to winds of war

without wishing either/or, 

in any way,

to prejudice 

their outcome: nailing the truth was only ever the goal; 

nailing the truth as a whole and a part, and a start and an end.

And so the little by little of offsprings’ nationality 

and the ease with which a driving licence repeats, 

and other little details which still I cannot detail, 

but maybe we must include the marks I so easily 

acquired on an MA I never was prepared for, 

and that’s the truth dear friends … and that’s the truth 

by far …

And so all this time in administrative clumsiness

we see the desire to repair so much damage done.

And the women I fell in love with, supposedly those years,

never were more than intermediaries, measuring out 

ever so carefully their servings and doings, and woes

ever so magiCK and tragic.

And as intermediaries fine they mostly did begin to explain

how life would shortly never be the same for a man

as weird as me.

All a falsehood to make me feel less bad; even so, I have to say,

it was a nice enough gesture –

better, far better, anyways, than just another 

state-devised 

kick to the bruised and battered head!





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