Been a good week. Lots of thought; dissertation observations going interestingly; learnt a lot about myself, and what the future will look like.
I guess the only way to be truly happy is not to base you expectations on being with anyone in particular, but treasuring your own achievements, ambitions and digressions in equal measure. My two infatuations, meanwhile, both with women of the same family, were madness of course. But now that I can say I am resilient to such madness, I can also truly say I want a job, role, and activity commensurate with the things I am beginning to realise I am really good at: not in order to be able to spend time with anyone in particular any more but, rather, in order to be able to spend time with anyone who coincides – at one particular moment in time or another – with my desire to be momentarily with them.
I am slowly, very slowly, learning the value of not signing up to lifelong commitment. And I think, for both my art and my academia, this is actually a precondition for my progress.
To have another person fall so easily in love with me, as – last year – I fell in love with them, would have been very nice: but it would also have been too easy; far too easy, indeed. And it wouldn’t have been useful for my trajectory as academic and artist. To be a free spirit in both contexts does actually require you to also be a free spirit in love. The hugely possessive and consuming nature of the person who was the object of my first infatuation, coupled with the utterly idiotic crush on my part of the recent second, should surely teach me a lesson I must never forget. Never go for a person who’s not willing to speak to you reliably, frequently, consistently and in a kindly way. Above all, in a kindly way.
So I’ve learnt that lesson, and now intend to be the free-spirited artist and academic I should’ve become thirty years ago.
Better late than … (for example) dead, eh?