Where I am
Well. Did second day of observation for my dissertation; worked with a million interruptions, and still drove back home in one piece; am substantially more resilient than I was even a month ago; have overcome two infatuations – one, which lasted twelve years and made me terribly depressed without realising the real reason why; the other, which lasted just under one year, and served to heal me from the first, alongside a ton of other issues.
What I need
It’s the opportunities to think that do it for me. I can deal without love in my life, and even deal with love’s rejections over and over again, when there exist true chances of using my grey cells to productive and constructive ends. From weird poetry to weird photography, and then this fabulous thing called academia, in the end a hug and an embrace are lovely things if you’re lucky enough to get them – but nothing, nothing matches (nothing will ever match) the excitement of being able to give birth to new thought.
What I would like …
So although I am still ambitious enough to believe love could be mine for the having one of these days, I will no longer fret nor pursue nor attempt to force its path round to what – really – I would far rather prefer.
Yes. I am lucky. I have my art and I have my academia. And if it does have to be either/or – either art/academia or love – I will defo choose the former over the latter.
I am happy for the first time in my life. And I am fairly sure I now have the resilience to resist most of the harshnesses that life might continue to send in my direction. From whatever quarter, for whatever reasons, and with whatever weapons others might care to use against me.
* To contextualise, the pic at the top of this post represents the colours of the country of my rebirth last year – Ireland – alongside the yellow that represents the person who was responsible (whether knowingly or not, it doesn’t matter any more) for the shift in my personal paradigm.
Yellow actually means the future – a good future, too (if you don’t believe me, check out the exhibits on colour in Liverpool’s World Museum!) – so it’s appropriate that as I leave the person who most saddened me over the past thirteen years to their own devices, and can only be grateful to the person who helped me escape the former’s clutches, this beautiful shade of meaning should begin to infuse my life.