I saw this, an hour or so ago, in the John Lewis on Liverpool One.
I don’t know what it means, but then that’s true of so very much in my life.
And in the past this made me bad and sad.
And I thought love could make me better and happier.
And then I realised how wrong I’d got it. I don’t need love, you see: that would be rank amelioration.
I need, instead, a way of evidencing the things I see to a world which disbelieves what I perceive: stuff which, to me, has always been self-evident.
And when you are ignored, as young intelligence, you learn the lesson that big guys aren’t necessarily right.
But that lesson is shared amongst your fellows and friends and peers, and the beloved ones who still are beloved.
And as it is shared, the burden is smaller.
But when you get older, it ain’t quite the same. In fact, it ain’t the same at all.
In my case, because, on one occasion, I wasn’t able to answer the question “why” – a question which a psychiatrist put to me at 4am in the morning – he was able to use his powers and those of the state, on whose behalf he was clearly working at the time, to lock me away in a secure mental health facility for a month.
And because that happened, and because – pre-Snowden revelations but (we now know this for sure) post-Snowden activities – I argued only that I was being followed for reasons I could barely hazard, this psychiatrist then had the tools to lock me away for that month I mention above.
However, if I now said to the same man, at 4am in the morning, that large tech corps and government agencies were following my every move, the observation he’d surely be unable not to make would have to be: “Well, who ain’t being folllowed these days in such ways?”
So love need not be in the frame any longer for me to pursue a life of freedom and pleasure.
It’d be nice if it were, but in itself it would offer no solution.
What I now realise I needed all these years were the tools to be able to answer any charges of “why” which anyone – at any time – might one day in the future accuse me of.
And so this moment has come: this I do understand: I now have within my reach the tools I have just described: this grand academia which kind people have sent my way; the careful thought, the processes and the procedures which will help me always support and defend my reasoning; and finally, the security and integrity of a fabulous institution and people: the people at LJMU who have so wonderfully taken me under their multiple wings.
Not to hide me away, but allow me to fly: allow me forever to answer that 4am “why”.