Spec[i]men addict 

He shook but invisibly; and it was only his life, after all, that was affected.  This love he was addicted to made it impossible for him to thrive; and yet even as he was aware of what was happening to this inner him, he was utterly unable to bear and grin, and rid himself of its terrible powers.

One day he might would, and then as cold as ice he surely should become.  And maybe that fear, that reality he saw, was at the core of his resistance to change.

For if he one day did conquer love, and was able to quite happily, quite freely he meant, sell and buy this curious sex, he’d have no need for anyone and over him they’d have no control.

And then he would be totally in charge; and then they’d see, indeed they would.

And so would he.

And that’s just about precisely what made him so frightened of even attempting to beat back this love: a love which clearly in all its senses did marshal and make of his being and soul such a silence-provoking – such a fear-engendering – specimen of distaste.  A specimen to never be touched.  A specimen of resistible nature for all woman he had ever met, and gently tried to wish.

10 thoughts on “Spec[i]men addict 

      1. I enjoyed it however, my first love will always be Edinburgh. The best moment I had was at St. Stephens Green Park. There is something mystical about being there. I felt profoundly grounded. Hope to return and see the coast along with the countryside.

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      2. Yes, exactly that in all respects of your comment. At Xmas I suffered from terrible personal rejection, and am still suffering from its impact: the silence of hatred is far far worse than ever its roar can be. But I no longer blame Dublin for that; just the unkind person who did what they did.

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      3. Understand…everything you just conveyed in full. Often when we endure harm – justified or not – several emotions can stem from the experience. It can also manifest into different forms becoming more than expected or warranted. Unkind people have a purpose – no matter the cause. It is a moment to see what is within us, not just from an external source. Hope you find the light within the dark moment, Mils. May kindness be yours in more ways from other sources. Dublin certainly is not the root cause, maybe a witness? *hugs*

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      4. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. The idea that unkind people do have a purpose, that it is not random, calms me a great deal, and maybe even allows me to begin to construct the walls I need – not in general, but certainly in the specific.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. This is what matters…removes the weight/burden of such thoughts to prompt self healing, yes? Anytime, Mils – I am here. Even if it’s only to listen. Be safe and well. ☺

        Liked by 1 person

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