Life after time

The gravity of my situation hit me

like a pendulum drawn 

by busy letter, pur-

loined through long-

nurtured

desires of higher life and even

waited home, and truths

and joys of courted burden 

where 

love would mean 

every

thing you thought, and 

wrote and pictured, but 

in that truth of real des-

pairing you had got it 

so wrong: wronger wronger than

ever you

had wronged: she 

had been the one, it

clearly seemed – but where you

went out branching 

madly was in believing 

she was the one for you.

And now I see in

en-

during clarity, how daughter is

not 

made of (m)other, but actually leads

with gorgeous driven

soul and heart of singular

be; and when you rejected 

and suspected motives,

you refused to see this be as

any

thing but easy extension

of familial ways; 

for that, still

then, was where you lay.

And now you 

no

longer battle 

under mis-

app-

re-

tension of belonging so 

fiercely and obviously

foolish to the clause 

and the claws of beastie which

hurt you, and maybe there

were more, and maybe

not just one, and some

times it seemed the whole

goddamn world outside

did see your actions as

driven by madness and crazy

hate far too 

late when

all that that you did 

all that time

were those 

black boxes of 

humanity whose mysteries 

we should treasure and 

cater to

out of friendship 

and trust

and delight instead of

destroying the being I was

wanting to enjoy.

And so daughter did see this

where m(other) only pain,

and again and again 

I interpreted her kindness

as just a cruel cruel broadening

of all that was

happened 

in the strangely 

perceived understanding 

my life has 

described, and arced and 

arked and armed and run

maddening rings around

falsely proclaimed

truths, until yous have been

the ones who have really 

had to save me.

So if now I must re

cant, then 

recant

can.  Claire, you

were right, and I was 

wrong to suspect.

And in that suspicion, and in

my de-

fence, I stretch out

once more, hands curious of

friendship, without

fully comprehending any 

why any 

more.

But the beauty I felt

this day of my life

has finally, gently, 

weirdly 

done and

taught me that this

why and this 

beauty are fiercely

drawn enemies, the one

to the other, the

other to the one; and in your

wise being, if I do ever

speak directly, I will truly

discover 

my how.

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